6/16/2006
12:54 am
And you do it like this!
RE:
While I was doing some stuff..a furious rage of jealousy ran thru me like an electric shock. I feel sad. I feel helpless that I can do nothing change it. My own words are eating me up alive inside. Why do I still love her so much. Why? Shes far away but still she's still so damn near my heart. Never once did each day pass without me tinking of her. All the things I did. All the time I spent. Making sure wad I do was special. To her maybe it meant nothing. The force of attraction of her on me is too great. It really burns my inside everitime I try to hide my feelings and smile and laugh. Is love a sin? Is it a crime for me to be punish severely. I rather have somebody stomp on my ribs in a rugby game than go thru dis. But I have my principles to follow. Dat is to stay strong and look ahead. I will try not to bother her much. And if possible try to not care. Today, I almost made it thru without talking to her. But seeing her online so late on a school day, I had to ask her why is she still not asleep. Damn! when will i ever learn to stop. so many people told me not to. just leave it. dun return. so mant gave me advice dis and dat. but try to understand guys. im still me. still stubborn and hot-tempered. i could have done so many stuff for the past 1 year. jam sessions, outings. and now i lost everithing i worked for my whole sec sch life. i used to be the best. and all i have to do was to continue wad i was doing. i sidetracked. into the realms of the unknown. slowly i kept pushing my frens hu was always by my side. they tried many ways to grab my attention. i ignored. all i have on my mind now is u. and for the past 1 year is u. now i cant even face my frens hu always told me 'now is not the time for love'. haha..i didnt listen. and so look at wad im doing now. in the dead of the nite write crap abt wad i always saved in my mind. its so easy to have feelings. yet so hard to express it. especially in a home like mine where ppl like me are not cared about becoz im can do stuff independently. 'ur a big boy..dun expect us to tell u wad to do'..haiz if i was dat big..shit man i'll probably be some rich man. im the onli male boy in my whole family..no other bpy cuz of my age.. and there is this tremendous pressure to perform..everiwhere. religiously, studies, music, everithing. if i fail..ppl will talk. my parents get blame. i dun want dat. ppl tend to peek in my life. and when they do..they found u. trust me..i got shit (a whole lot of em) from my parents a week staright. and wad did i do. i still carried on. eventhough how my parents and sisters insulted me for going out wif u. i still do. even though i get home late after sending u home and got lock out for the nite..i still do. even when i just wander around for the nite knowing im going to get a beating from dad the next morning. i still do. remember the blood on my chest. it wasnt an accident. its just dat i dun want u to learn the truth. if it hurts for me. let it be just for me. i got slap for spending too many hours on the com. and rite now..while im suppose to study..im not. so i'll just wait for the next shower of fists when i get my results back. its sucks being me. happi go lucky nashady. where nothing is happi nor lucky. well..i got no one to blame now. if i do..ppl will say the samething..'u could have choose not to'..and im happi wif wad, why and how i became like dis. how amazing for dozen of people to create my life for the past 16 years and onli 1 person to change it all. and it not ur fault..im just glad it happened...im sure one day i will know why..I will go and let the rain drop now
________________Your's truly, Nashady__________________